Saturday, December 19, 2009
'
Movies are dumb. They make you believe things that will never happen.
I've been having this dream (or you can call it a fantasy) from a few days now. REPEATEDLY having this amazing fantasy which includes a happy ending. Well, I have to say, after the first few days of having this amazing dream, I have been forcing myself to think about it to help me doze off and hopefully, to dream of being in the land where anything can happen. All this while, hoping that this fantasy of mine would really come true, I have been proven wrong everytime there's a slight possibility when this dream of mine could actually happen. It involves this person, and this person, somehow, I feel, holds my life together. I feel like I would finally be happy (again) if this came true. However, when reality kicks in, and you dont get when your dreams do not come true, what do you do? I want to stop, but I just cant. What do I do?
I have been a stalker for years now. Doing what I do everyday, hoping to be seen and noticed. And hopefully, not being the first one to get the ball rolling. It has happened before, but, I dont think this person has the same intentions as I do. I feel ashamed of what i'm doing, and I dont think that it's right. It's not normal, not normal at all.
I'm tired. I'm really tired and sick of everything now. Why cant life be easy? I dont get how people think that they are innocent, and that there's nothing you can do to prove your own innocence. It takes a lot from a person to actually show that they are true and really doing what he believes that is right. And when nobody notices, it's really disappointing. Really, very disappointing. When can one just shout out loud that he's fed up of everything? Is jumping off the roof the right decision? No? Yes? Well, jumping off seems like a good idea, to kill all the pain. If people cant appreciate the person you are, then we should all just move along, right?
When there's this glimpse of light in your heart, a glimmer of decent person in you, when you actually seem genuine, you always prove me wrong and then, I get the real you. And I think, this could not be. But my wishes for you to be the person I thought you we're never came true. Till now, I feel like giving up. But I have never given up on you either. You may hate my guts and my feelings and the way I am, but if you actually think that I would change to be the person you want me to become, then you're wrong. Someone wise told me, to change the people around you and the things around, not you changing for them. This quote is true, in fact, true that I believe I will keep it in mind whenever I feel down and depressed, I will always be motivated to change the surroundings around me and not be disturbed by the shitty people and shitty pipedreams around me.
Feelings and emotions, all trapped in ones heart. Not being able to let go, and feel free. With no worries and care for what is to happen tomorrow. I want to believe that being happy can happen anywhere (in dumb movies which they make you believe this). Being drunk the other day made me let go of my worries. I felt so free. Laughing and crying at the same time. That was a great outing. Laughing all the way home, and then laughing the next day again. And then, it took just one person, just one, to cause the biggest question that has been stuck in my head since I came back. And that question has been hurting so badly. So so badly. And my answer is
'No. Never.'I can’t believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
In your tight jeans with your long hair
I can’t believe how you looked at me
You’ve left me speechless
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams
And I know that it’s complicated
But I’m a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends
And after all the drinks and bars that we’ve been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?
And after all the boys and girls that we’ve been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?
Oh friend you’ve left me speechless
Extracts from Speechless.
Looking back at photos, and thinking about the past, I wondered, what my life would be like if 'this' and 'that' did not happen? What would I've become today? If I had not done 'that' to a person, if I had not befriended them, what would the end result be? I feel sorry for putting you out of my life in the previous years. I feel so bad. I shouldn't have ever abandoned you. When you think of it in a way where it was my fault for making a person feel miserable and lonely, you feel disgusted at yourself. I feel so bad.
I'm sorry.Friends, they are not what you want them to be. If they cant stand you, get rid of them. There's no use in giving them a second chance to be a part of your life. I create my own future and my own dreams. Dreaming big will take me wherever I want to be.
Yeah, it's plain to see
That baby you're beautiful
And it's nothing wrong with you
It's me – I'm a freak
But thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly
If you FUCKING hate the way I blog. Then dont FUCKING come to this page. Get the fucking hell out of here.
Whataya Want from Me,
Stephen (完全沒有任何理由理你)