Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I have to say, I have not been updating since I got back. Well, you could say that I have either been very buys or been very lazy. Haha. Well, the trip so far has been good. Just a few days left now. The people who know me would probably be thinking why I have not done a countdown thing yet on my msn status. And that’s because I don’t want to. I do not want to see the number of days I have left. It’s been a fruitful experience since coming back.
To summarize, the fruitful experience does not mean that it has been a joy being back here. I have to say, there has been a few ups and downs so far. Well, obviously being the person I am, I get angry really fast. And well, I know my weakness as a person and as a friend. It sometimes amazes me how you think you know what your weaknesses are, but actually you’re kind of wrong. I have to say, I have been down about a couple of stuff. I realize that people aren’t the same anymore. All of us have grown up and have changed. For better or for worse, it definitely opened a new chapter of my life.
Being angry does not mean that I hate that person. My mood swings happen really fast. I can change from being happy to moody in a few seconds. Well, you have to understand that this happens vice versa. I can also turn happy when I am sad. But people don’t understand this, which makes it harder for me to keep up. I don’t blame anyone, obviously, with my past and all. But is it so hard to believe that people change???
After one year of suicidal writing about my personal qualities in school for my Business Operations class and Financial Literacy class, I have come to realize that one word means a whole lot. For example, ‘Smart’, does it only cover the meaning of being smart where you are intellectually smart. Or should the definition include smart, being the way people dress or the way people think. Coming back to KK made me realize a whole new perspective of words. Well, in a good and in a bad way.
THANK YOU – is a phrase where people take it for granted. Does it really come from the heart when someone says it? I’m not sure. I know I take into account a lot of unnecessary stuff, but I really do appreciate everything that is given to me. You don’t know how much it hurts till you feel the pain. When you dedicate your own personal time to do stuff for other people, a simple ‘thank you’ from the heart means so much. But a thank you than constant talking about the negative instantly removes that genuine gesture (in my opinion though). I feel like I have been wasting my time and people do not realize it. It really wasn’t easy for me to feel that rush of emotions in a few seconds. That’s when my old self kicks in. I get angry, I get moody. If only you understood. Well, I bounced back, didn’t I?
Don’t you just wish you had a poker face? Well, I wish I did. I am so bad at playing Gin Rummy as I show all my emotions (i.e. I don’t think I will pay many visits to casinos in the future). I think the game teaches me great qualities which includes the lesson to control my emotions. It’s good for a person for me. Yes, I admitted it. I know that I am hard to cope with, but you imagine, if you can’t cope with me, then you can’t cope with yourself and your emotions.
Which brings me to a friend who I have not seen a bit of emotion (not saying you’re emotionless) displayed yet! Haha. You have been an inspiration to me, and I do wish to follow your footsteps one day.
I have to say, being back has brought me great memories. I think that there is one special moment for me where I felt like I was in-love. Yes, in-love. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not really the ‘love’ feel, but like, I sort of felt an attraction to you at one stage. It was somewhat bizarre and funny all at once. But it was good, all good.
Lady Gaga in March. I am really excited. I can’t believe that I only got tickets to the upper bowl though. Can’t really see her from that far away! I hope that there are screens all over stadium that shows her up-close. I am really excited. I have been memorizing all her songs recently. It definitely has been very challenging!
Oh, my results came out the other day. Was pretty disappointed & happy at the same time. I would have to say that my economics results were shocking. I was so relieved and happy after seeing my grades for economics. I was disappointed with Mathematics and Media Studies. But then again, I was pretty glad with my English results. Haha. I had mixed feelings. (Well, I also did feel a bit hurt after one incident. But let me just leave it here) :)
I have been experiencing this bad memory of an incident which I just can’t seem to forget! It has been playing in my mind for days now. And I just can’t seem to let it go! Isn’t incredible how one or two messages can spoil your whole day? Well, I experienced it. Yes, I felt so bad and hurt while feeling like I was a bad person. Then only it hit me, not everyone likes you 24 hours a day. Some days, someone might dislike the way you are, and on some other days, people treat you like they are your best friend in the world. I don’t get it though. Was there a reason for you to do so? Or are you really a friend? Hmmm. That message which I read was hurtful and mean. Then it hit me! Not everyone is innocent. Even I have talked about someone behind their back before. So why should I get angry? And therefore, I wasn’t angry. Instead, I was down and sad. No one understood how I felt. I believed that it was just a onetime thing and that the person didn’t really mean. But then I suddenly think about the past and then only it hit me. Are we really friends?
Stephen